


To Lose Oneself (To Return Unscathed)

by BubbaKnowlton



Series: Evil Space Dads [40]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Dad AU, Emperor Hux, Injured Hux, Kylo sucks at redemption, M/M, Minor character death mention (just Snoke lmao), brief mention of past mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-19 14:01:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9444338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BubbaKnowlton/pseuds/BubbaKnowlton
Summary: Request by anonymous on Tumblr!Kylo betrayed them once, and it was never the same even after he came back.Hux refuses to forgive him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Request was: 'Kylo already gave birth to a set of twins and a daughter but it was a loveless marriage filled with contempt'
> 
> Obviously I took somewhat of a spin with it ;^) but here we are !

**To Lose Oneself (To Return Unscathed)**

The twins refused to speak to him.

Their daughter was terrified of him.

Worst of all, Hux would not forgive him.

Out of necessity, Hux had married him, though he spoke little to him and remained impassive. He only smiled to the kids, and even then, if he noticed Kylo in the room, he would stop. Their children lived in fear of him, were plagued by nightmares of a murderous beast that had sliced down their father and betrayed them all. Their daughter couldn't look at a lightsaber without screaming, the twins watched him with narrow eyes, tense in case he tried anything and they needed to save their sister. They'd been the ones to drag Hux to a medic, keep him awake until he was given proper care.

If he tried to touch the children, they'd thrash and cry. Their daughter would burst into tears if he smiled at her and spoke, then run to her brothers or to Hux to hide behind. The twins would hold the other's hand and he'd see the slight tremble, the too tight grip, how they'd flee as soon as he was done speaking.

He'd killed Snoke for Hux, given him the galaxy, and Hux refused to forgive him. He almost did, had smiled when Kylo presented him with the alien's head, but then he'd closed off and scowled.

No matter how much he begged and pleaded, Hux refused to love him again. He offered the galaxy twice over, another child, anything, if Hux would love him like he had when their children were young and he hadn't strayed down the wrong path. Back when they were happy, when the kids were always laughing and playing, eager to be hugged and spoken to, when Hux would let him come close and radiate love.

The children were asleep, the twins curled up around their sister, their beds pressed together, hers abandoned. Kylo checked up on them, and found them deep in dreams. He gave them each a kiss on the head. How Ben Solo could have ever wanted to get rid of them, he had no clue. He'd carried and borne them, they were pieces of himself that he would never stop loving again.

After tucking them in, he went to the master bedroom. Hux was getting into bed, wincing at the pain in his side as he moved. The metal of his leg reflected the dim light of the room softly. Kylo went to him and helped him lie down, heart breaking with Hux's pained gasp. He pulled up the blanket for Hux, and then got ready for bed himself. He climbed in on his side of the bed. Hesitantly, he turned over so he was facing Hux, but the man had his eyes closed.

"Armitage?" Hux made a sound of acknowledgment. "Will you ever forgive me? I'm an idiot for thinking that pursuing the light side was a good idea. Please..." Hux opened his eyes and looked at him. "I want you to love me again."

Hux frowned and sighed. "I don't forgive you." He looked up at the ceiling. "Can you dim the lights?"

"I don't understand why you won't listen to me!"

"I am listening. You want me to forgive you, and I said no."

"Why? I'll do anything!" He sat up. "What will it take for you to love me again? A larger empire? Dead enemies? I'll kill the whole Resistance if you want! Another baby? Please!"

Hux was quiet for a moment, and then said, "Love me again, and then I'll forgive you."

"What? Hux, I'm offering everything!"

"Yes, but I don't want everything. I'll only forgive you if you genuinely love me."

"I do love you! You know that! Why won't you forgive me?"

"Ren. You betrayed us, you hurt me and left me in pain for life. You traumatized our children, showed that you didn't love us just because of the whims of the force. You came back, and I thought, 'maybe he didn't mean it' but you don't love us. You're so desperate for approval and validation that you've forgotten how to love your own children, how to love me. You want me to love you, but have yet to offer to love me genuinely in return. If I were to love you, now, what would be the benefit? It does not make up for the betrayal if I forgive you, it does not prove to the children that you'll never leave them again, that you'd never dream of hurting them again. You are no longer the man that I cared for who in turn cared for me, nor are you Ben Solo, who wanted my family and I dead."

"I-"

"So, no, Ren, I will not forgive you. I will not love you. You're pathetic and I can't stand how you act anymore." Hux closed his eyes again, and Kylo was left kneeling next to him, without any further words.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow/talk to me on Tumblr! @Oblioknowlton or @Tinybibmpreg


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